Growing Through Challenge - What Children Need Most

                                   INTRODUCTION

You may be reading this because you feel you could use some fresh ideas in dealing with your child or children. When they were younger you may have felt you had a lot of control and influence in their lives, but now you may feel less and less in control and may sense that you are fast losing any meaningful influence in their life. I know that feeling!

Our children, now in their late 30's are a great joy to my wife and me... but I also remember some frustrated tears shed during their teenage years. In fact, I remember a lot of frustration beginning long before they were ever teenagers.

Perhaps because we invest so much of ourselves in our children we should realize we have also invested them with the ability to make us feel like the biggest failures in the world... no matter how much success we have in all of life's other endeavors.

                                           HELP

Countless books, magazine articles, lectures, seminars, workshops, etc. have been dedicated to trying to help us find some meaningful answers... so what can a simple, brief article like this do? Well, I believe I can at least zero in on a few basic and fundamental things that your children need from you.

Their "want" list may seem unending, but their "need" list may help you find some "handles" on this parenting business. Here are a few you can start with:

                                           TIME

Our children may want and beg for an endless list of material things, but study after study has shown that what they really need (and want) most of all is our time.

I can still remember the teenager who confided in me over 30 years ago, "I wish I could get to know my Dad... we never get past the small talk of 'Hi, how's it going?'" Because there was no open rebellion, the father probably thought everything was fine. Now his daughter has grown up, but I can't help but wonder if at times he doesn't sit in his home, a bit lonely now and think, "she never really knew me, and I never really knew her... I was too busy."

Of course we are all busy people with enormous time pressures on most of our schedules... but we must, WE MUST make space in those schedules for good quality, personal time with our children.

If their life were in danger, you would stop everything and give anything in the world to save them! So show them daily, right now, that they are the most important people in the world to you... show them with your time!

              UNDERSTANDING, PRAISE AND APPROVAL

They may know that we "love" them, but they may often feel that we don't "like" them. Children are good at picking up on non-verbal signals. Granted, they are often masters of irritation and frustration... and it is sometimes hard to find things in our children that we can praise, but we must try hard. Work diligently at understanding their changing moods and emotions; the things that are important to them; their feelings and their fragile self-esteem.

Keep reminding yourself that they are not adults in a small body... they are just children! Guard against expecting adult understanding, logic, emotions and behavior from a child. Remember, you've been an adult for a long time and I bet you still get it wrong sometimes!

Also, remember that if our children don't feel a sense of our understanding, praise and approval, they will often settle for our attention... even if it takes negative behavior to get it! The next time your child misbehaves, just consider that idea.

                 CONSISTENT AND LOVING DISCIPLINE

No one wants to live in a cage, but children do need to have "limits", so to speak, so that they can learn the important life-lesson of proper boundaries.

When our children learn that proper behavior has boundaries, they learn that those boundaries give them many things, not the least of which is a sense of security.

Children who know no boundaries, know no security! In addition, the overly permissive parent who doesn't help their child learn proper boundaries will find that they will likely lose their child's respect.

Think about it... which of your school teachers did you respect most and least?

What could that say to you about the subject of "discipline"?

When we speak of discipline, remember that you don't always have to be the one to carry it out. Life's circumstances and consequences are your allies here. You won't always be present to watch over your children and tell them what to do, so your ultimate goal is to gradually give them increasingly more choices and independence, and then allow them to live with the consequences of their decisions.

Many parents make the mistake of rushing in to rescue their children from the pain resulting from poor choices. What those parents are actually doing is robbing their children from learning one of life's most important lessons... choices always have consequences!

One other thought here... you can't make every issue a battleground! Choose your confrontations carefully. They should be over serious issues like...
     1) disrespect
     2) disobedience
     3) dishonesty

In the bigger scheme of things it probably doesn't matter all that much how long or short their hair is, or how much their clothes do or don't match. Focus on majoring only on the majors, and minor-ing on the minors. And if you're one of those people who think everything is major, you better get some help to start letting go of some things. You've heard of "not sweating the small stuff"! This is a good time to ponder than one!

                                   DAILY EXAMPLE

There are so many other things I would like to cover, but allow me to just mention one more thing... our daily example. Children are adept at ignoring the good advice we try to give them, but are excellent students of our behavior (often to our frustration).

Even when we don't think they are paying attention, they are constantly learning about life from the way they see us respond to all of its various opportunities and challenges. My adult children probably remember little of all the good advice I gave them over the years, but they seem to have an uncanny memory of countless particular circumstances... and how I responded!

So... those lessons your children are actually learning from you... are you sure they are the ones you really intend to teach?

Think about it the next time something goes wrong... you probably won't have to wait very long.