Growing Through Challenge - After The Wedding

                                      STATISTICS

Unfortunately, statistics are not in your favor. We have witnessed it countless times, either personally or in the media... the wedding ceremony where the starry-eyed couple is so obviously and deeply in love that they seem to see nothing else in the world but each other.

Now fast-forward a few months or years and we see this same "in love" couple reaching a point where the presence of the one they used to covet now brings them so much pain they see no way out but separation or divorce.

Treasured memories now seem lost in the blur of bitter words. Cherished photo albums gather dust, too painful to even look at.

How do so many couples move from the "wonderful wedding" to the "embittered, loveless marriage?"

What would you be willing to do to avoid this from becoming your story? Are there practical things you can do to help ensure your own happy marriage?

            LESSONS FROM FORTY YEARS OF MARRIAGE

After celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary, my wife and I thought that perhaps we have learned some lessons along the way that could help younger couples through some of the rough spots that come to every marriage. Mind you, our marriage isn't perfect (none are), but we have survived and are still in love with, and committed to each other.

The following are some brief thoughts about some of the things we have come to believe are important to any successful marriage.

                                   WHAT IS LOVE?
                                                (Four Important Greek Words)

The English language certainly has more than enough words for most things, but is actually poverty-stricken when dealing with the subject of "Love". We "love" everything from pizza to cars to sports to our spouse. Isn't a little more distinction needed? For a basic understanding of the different kinds of love, the Greek language is much more helpful. If you can learn the difference in these four Greek words for love, you may just know more about love than most people seem to ever understand.

                                                        EROS

This is where we get our word "erotic" from, so as you might expect, this kind of love has to do with pure physical attraction. In itself, neither good or bad; just natural... but by itself, hardly the basis for a lifelong relationship like marriage.

                                                       PHILEO

Philadelphia "the city of brotherly love" gets its name from this Greek word that can best be described as friendship.

                                                      STORGE

This is the word for the circle of love which exists exclusively among members of the same family... "the family circle of love".

                                                      AGAPE

This is a special level of totally unselfish love revealed from our Creator, seen clearest in Jesus Christ. This kind of love means "the sustained commitment of your will toward the good of another... no matter what their response."

This kind of love is a matter of choice and commitment and is the one thing that can overcome all obstacles in the building of a vibrant, lasting marriage.

Notice that this is the one kind of love which is not dependent upon our emotions and feelings. It is a matter of choice and an act of will.

Any honest married couple I've ever met will tell you that they've all had times when they not only didn't "like" their mate, but also (at least for the moment) wished they wouldn't even have to see that person again. This is where our choice of being committed to the good of our mate leads us to find ways to work things out.

                                        RESPECT

It is not surprising that so many young people look at the marriages of others and decide that marriage is an option they would rather avoid. All too many married couples exhibit so little respect for each other. Instead they fall into patterns of belittling remarks, uncaring attitudes and insensitivity toward each other's feelings. Who really wants to sign up for a life-long relationship like that? Our next point can help make a big difference here.

                                         WORDS

Sarcasm is a very popular mode of communication in movies and sitcoms, but in a relationship as intimate as marriage every word counts! We've all said things we would give almost anything to take back, but as we painfully find out; once spoken, thoughtless or hurtful expressions cannot be unspoken.

The anguish caused by misspoken sentiments lingers in the emotions year after year, no matter how much you try to explain it away. So guard your tongue at all cost. There is no room in marriage for sarcasm or any type of hurtful remarks.

                             BEING "UNDERSTOOD"

Marriage at times will feel like a great paradox. Sometimes your home and your mate will seem like the only place in the world where you can find the comfort of being totally accepted and understood. There will be other times when you will think that your spouse doesn't understand you at all!

Perhaps it is because we invest so much of our emotional selves in the happiness of this other person, that we are easily and deeply hurt when they seem to misunderstand our words and actions, or question our motives.

However and whenever this problem shows up in your marriage, just try to remember that no two people can live out life together without at times being misunderstood. When it will hurt the most will be when you are trying your hardest to do something nice for the other person. You are going out of your way to try to understand and meet the needs of your life partner... and they read it all wrong, leading to deep hurt for you both.

St. Francis said "It is more blessed to understand than to be understood." That is a sentiment that is no fun at all to experience, but holds great reward when it really becomes our heart's desire.

                                   BEST FRIENDS

Hopefully, when you go through the commitment of marrying someone, at that time you are best friends. You are eager to share every experience together; you are responsive to each other's deepest needs and you would go to any lengths to help each other with almost any challenge imaginable.

That kind of friendship is priceless. Be careful about taking it for granted, because that is exactly what happens in almost every marriage. After a few weeks or months, the rigors of daily life begin to take a toll on the excitement of sharing everything. Little irritations begin to creep in and often grow way out of proportion. In fact, it is common to begin to actually resent how well our spouse has really gotten to know us and the little idiosyncrasies that each of us has.

One big help in this area would be to check up on yourself periodically with questions like the following:
     1.How would I listen to my best friend?
     2.Would I be less quick to judge and give advice and more quick to listen with my heart?
     3.How would I respond to my best friend?
     4.How much would I inconvenience myself for my best friend?
     5.What sacrifices would I make for them?
     6.How could I show my best friend that there is no one in the world more important to me than they are?

                                IMPORTANT WORDS

"I was wrong... I am sorry... please forgive me."

Words so easy to write down, but words that may sometimes feel almost impossible for you to express. They are small words, but the sentiment they express is enormous. The marriages these few words could have saved must be countless in number.

While your pride is busy cataloging the ways your partner is wrong, try this different path... lay aside their offenses and honestly consider and confess your own shortcomings and see if miracles of restorations don't begin to change your marriage relationship!

                                         HONOR

Most marriage ceremonies contain a commitment to "love and honor" each other. But what does that really even mean?

To honor someone means that you hold that person in a sense of "awe". There is a deep respect for the incredible worth of that individual.

Perhaps most couples display this kind of attitude when they are first dating. It is such a shame that so few carry this sense of honor on through their years of marriage. Yes it does take a lot of work and commitment because the more negative patterns slip in so easily. Why not choose to make your marriage different???

                                    CONCLUSION

Well, there is much more that we could discuss (thankfully there are a lot of good books if you want to read more) so let us close by encouraging you to do just about the most important thing you can do to keep your marriage healthy... COMMUNICATE!

This is usually harder for the man than for the woman, but perhaps just discussing some of these issues together each day for one week would be a start in helping you both reap many positive rewards in this most important of all human relationships... YOUR MARRIAGE!